When You Feel Like You’re Just Pretending to Be “That Kind of Person”
Last week we talked about How To Become “The Kind of Person Who…” and I laid out the idea that identity isn’t something you just declare for yourself one day and magically embody the next. It’s built through permission, vision, and action, starting with steps you’re confident you can actually execute. I suggested you aim for an eight or nine out of ten confidence level before committing to any habit change, because if you’re only at a five, you’re already setting yourself up for inconsistency and frustration.
But here’s the thing. Even if you pick the right-sized steps, even if you’re careful to choose things you’re confident you can stick with, you’re still going to have moments where it feels like you’re just pretending. You’re cooking a healthy dinner and thinking “this isn’t really me.” You drag yourself out for a walk and hear a little voice in your head saying “come on, you’re not that kind of person.”
I see this all the time, both in my own life and with the people I coach. It shows up in the early stages, when every action feels like a conscious effort, and it shows up again when setbacks happen, when the negative self-talk gets loud, and you start to believe maybe you’ve been fooling yourself all along.
So today I want to talk about that uncomfortable stage. Not to make it go away, but to help you understand it differently. Because “pretending” might not be the right word at all. I’d argue you’re not pretending. You’re practising. And practice is exactly what leads to change.
Why It Feels Like Pretending
Let’s start by looking at why this happens. There are really two main points where people feel like imposters in their own lives.
The early stage: You’ve just made a commitment to start becoming “the kind of person who…” and every single action feels deliberate and awkward. You have to think about it. You have to make yourself do it. Nothing is automatic yet. This is the stage where people often say “I feel like I’m faking it.” And in a way, you are, but only in the sense that you’re not used to it yet.
Think about learning any new skill. When you first learned to drive, you had to consciously remember every single step: mirror, signal, shoulder check, ease onto the gas, feather the brake, keep your hands at ten and two. It didn’t feel natural. It felt clunky. But nobody accused you of pretending to be a driver. You were learning to drive.
The setback stage: Then there are the moments where you’ve been doing well, and suddenly you hit a bump. You skip a workout, grab the fast food, or let stress get the better of you. That’s when the old self-talk shows up: See? This is who you really are. That other version of you was just pretend.
That voice is sneaky. It convinces you that a single misstep erases all the progress you’ve made. But that’s not how identity works. If it did, we’d all still be toddlers.
Both of these stages, the awkward beginning and the messy setbacks, are normal parts of building any new identity. The trouble comes when we call it “pretending.” That word suggests dishonesty, like you’re putting on a costume that doesn’t belong to you. And that’s where I want to offer a different frame.
From Pretending to Practising
As I talked about in How To Become “The Kind of Person Who…”, the process is not about faking it until you make it. That phrase implies that you’re being false in order to trick your way into something real. I prefer something closer to “if you can see it, you can be it.” And the bridge between seeing and being is practice.
When we practise, we expect mistakes. That’s the whole point.
Practice isn’t about flawless execution. It’s about repetition and refinement. It’s about showing up, trying again, and gradually building competence until one day it feels natural.
James Clear put it this way in his 3-2-1 newsletter:
“The only way to develop true confidence is to earn it.
The confidence that you can bounce back from failure is earned by working through previous failures.
The confidence that you can deliver the speech is earned by the previous speeches you have given.
The confidence that you can perform on game day is earned by the previous performances in practice.
In the beginning, you need enough courage to practice even though it may not go very well. And over time, as your skills improve, courage transforms into confidence. Courage first, confidence later.”
That’s exactly why practice matters. Courage gets you started. Practice carries you through. Confidence is the reward for staying the course.
So instead of saying “I’m pretending to be the kind of person who exercises three times a week,” try saying “I’m practising being the kind of person who exercises three times a week.” Instead of “I’m pretending to be someone who cooks healthy meals,” try “I’m practising cooking healthy meals.”
The difference is subtle but powerful. Pretending feels fragile, like it could be exposed at any moment. Practising feels legitimate. It acknowledges that you’re in the process of learning and that missteps are part of the deal.
Concrete examples:
If you cook a healthy dinner and it turns out bland or overcooked, you’re not failing, you’re practising. The fact that you showed up in the kitchen and gave it a go matters more than the outcome.
If you show up at the gym and only manage half the workout because you’re tired, you’re not failing, you’re practising. You built the habit of showing up, and that counts.
If you pause for thirty seconds before grabbing a cookie and decide to have some fruit instead (heck, even if you decide to have the cookie anyway), you’re not pretending to be healthy, you’re practising the kind of mindful pause that healthier people use all the time.
That last one is particularly important. Practising isn’t just about big visible actions. It’s about those tiny moments of reflection where you choose differently than you might have in the past. Every one of those choices is a rehearsal for your future identity.
Making the Steps Small Enough
Of course, for practice to work, the steps have to be sized right. This goes back to what I talked about last week: aiming for an eight or nine out of ten confidence level in your ability to follow through.
If you try to practise running ten kilometres three times a week when you haven’t been jogging at all, you’ll almost certainly flame out. The steps are too big. The gap between where you are and where you want to be is too wide. That’s when the “pretending” feeling gets louder, because your actions don’t line up with your actual capacity yet.
But if you start by practising a ten-minute walk after dinner, and you know you can do that consistently, then you’re rehearsing success. You’re building a pattern of follow-through. Over time, those small, executable steps stack up into something much bigger.
It’s the same with food. If you decide “I’m only ever going to eat perfectly balanced meals from now on,” you’ll almost certainly break that rule within a few days. And when you do, you’ll feel like you were pretending. But if you start by practising cooking one or two balanced meals each week, that’s achievable. You build confidence and consistency. And from there, you can expand.
The goal isn’t to practise perfection. The goal is to practise progress.
Normalising Setbacks
Now let’s talk about the other point where “pretending” rears its head: setbacks.
I want to be absolutely clear about this. Setbacks don’t mean you’re pretending. They mean you’re human. Every single person you admire, every role model you look up to, every “kind of person who…” you aspire to be has made mistakes, taken wrong turns, and had to regroup.
The difference is in the response. When things go off the rails, do you spiral into shame and self-doubt, or do you pause, reflect, and adjust?
This is where mindfulness comes in. Instead of reacting emotionally, saying “I blew it, I knew I couldn’t do this, I’m a fraud”, you can respond mindfully: “That didn’t go as planned. What can I learn from it? How do I want to respond next time?”
I’ll be honest with you: I’ve had plenty of my own setbacks. Times where I missed workouts, times where my nutrition went sideways, times where I doubted myself. And every time, I’ve had to remind myself that the path isn’t about never stumbling. It’s about learning to trip less dramatically, recover more quickly, and keep moving forward.
James Lawrence (AKA the Iron Cowboy), summed it up beautifully:
“If doing 50 or even 100 Ironmans was easy, I wouldn’t be who I am today.
The growth didn’t come from the finish lines, but from the quiet, behind-the-scenes moments no one saw. The days I had to drag myself out the door. The times I questioned everything but still showed up.
We don’t become stronger by avoiding the hard stuff. We grow by going through it – by facing the breaking point and choosing to keep going anyway.
If you’re in a hard season right now, don’t back down. Keep going. You’re becoming someone stronger than you know.
The breaking point isn't the end – it’s the beginning of who you're becoming.”
That’s exactly what setbacks really are. Not evidence that you’re a fraud, but proof that you’re in the arena, doing the work, building strength that can only come from the struggle.
Leaning on Support
Another key piece of this puzzle is support. When you feel like you’re pretending, it can be incredibly isolating. You think you’re the only one struggling, the only one who doesn’t feel authentic. But I promise you, that’s not true.
Sometimes what you need most is simply someone to vent to. A peer, a coach, a friend. Not necessarily to give advice, but just to listen. To hear yourself say out loud what you’re struggling with, so you can put it in perspective.
I know for me, just speaking my challenges out loud (or writing them down) often diffuses their power. Once it’s out of my head, it stops spiralling. And more often than not, I find the solution was within me all along. I just needed to clear the noise.
Community matters too. Being around others who are also practising can remind you that you’re not alone, that the awkwardness and setbacks are part of the process. Whether it’s a training group, a nutrition course cohort, or a supportive online community, having people in your corner makes the practising stage a lot easier to stick with.
The Mindset to Carry Forward
So what do we do with all this?
First, stop thinking of yourself as pretending. You’re not a fraud. You’re not play-acting. You’re practising. And practice is the only way anyone ever becomes the kind of person they aspire to be.
Second, remember that practice means small, executable steps. If you can’t honestly say you’re eight or nine out of ten confident in your ability to do it, scale it down until you can. Consistency matters more than ambition in the early stages.
Third, expect setbacks. Not as a worst-case scenario, but as an inevitable and valuable part of the process. Mistakes are not the opposite of progress. They’re part of progress.
Finally, lean on support. Don’t carry the burden of change alone. Find someone you can talk to, vent to, or share the journey with.
Over time, as you practise, the “pretending” feeling fades. Actions that once felt awkward become automatic. Decisions that once felt heavy become light. And the identity you once doubted starts to feel natural.
Here’s the truth: nobody ever wakes up one day fully transformed into “that kind of person.” The ones who seem that way from the outside? They practised, day after day, until it became who they are.
If you feel like you’re pretending right now, take a breath. Remind yourself that this is practice. That the effort you’re putting in is not wasted. That every imperfect meal you cook, every messy workout you show up for, every pause you take before making a choice is part of rehearsing the life you want to live.
You’re not faking it. You’re practising it. And with enough practice, the person you aspire to be stops being a role you’re trying on and becomes the person you actually are.
Ryan Holiday said it well in his Daily Stoic newsletter:
“BE YOU. Be the only one of you in the whole world. That’s where the fun is (you don’t have to fake anything). That’s where the value is (when we are like everyone else, we are replaceable—by definition). Embrace who you really are. Embrace what makes you unique. Embrace your weirdness. Because chances are it’s special.”
That’s the final step in this whole process. At first you practise being the kind of person you want to become. Over time you realise you weren’t pretending at all. You were just growing into your own skin.
Reflection Prompts
Take a few minutes this week to sit with these questions. Write them down if you can. Don’t overthink the answers, just let them flow.
When was the last time I felt like I was “pretending” to be a healthier or stronger version of myself? What triggered that feeling?
How could I reframe that moment as practice rather than pretence?
What’s one small step (an eight or nine out of ten on my confidence scale) that I can commit to practising this week?
Who could I lean on for support, even just to vent, the next time I feel like I’m falling short?
What’s one area of my life where I could choose to embrace my uniqueness instead of trying to measure up to someone else’s version of success?
Remember: courage first, confidence later. Practice is the bridge. And you are not pretending.